PIGTAILED GODDESS

So I was thinking of doing something fun to share how I bop around and collect or view fannish stuff that interests me and may interest the friends-list. Sorta like a masterpost of what I've been enjoying fannishly throughout the week.

Sounds good? Tell me if you'd prefer themed weeks, either by fandom or fannish interest? So one week of say Due South everything, or like one week of my favs in fanfic.

I'll start off small this week; 

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A Fanfic

Mindblown by kayura_sanada - Gundam Wing - Heero/Duo 

When the destruction of the Libra fails, what happens to the world? And what happens to the man whose mind is trapped inside such a world, unable to free himself from the horrors?

I love Duo's plot and the angsty Heero worried about Duo.

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A Fanvid

I know that festivids  just came out and there are lots of great ones to check out but I'm stuck admiring this PGSM fanvid from youtube.


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What I'm Watching

This could fill a short story on most days. My hairdresser recommended me The Sinner. I've got Slings and Arrows on the brain. Tenchi Muyo to go with a fanvid idea/ song I'm in love with. Also Suede Plays Resident Evil 2 has lead me down a rabbit hole of watching game reviews and playthroughs. I don't even game! WHA?!

My confidence and self-esteem is shot. I question everything I think and write as good enough. I want it all to be right. Perfect.

I'm scared of conflict or criticism because RL has been shitty lately. Friend break-ups and feeling ignored and not moving forward towards any life goals. I want to leave my hometown but am lonely and have no outer support network somewhere else. I'm terrified and depressed about having to do it alone. To be alone and unhappy anywhere.

With my writing, I realize I haven't even been in school in ages. I think my writing is above average for my hometown too.  It seem that way when you see community works. It's not a developed skill here. I realized I was blessed with a small town, safe, school education, where you got focus and interest and care from lots of places because tiny town. I was kinda a bigger fish in a small pond because I loved everything education, with my mom being a teacher, and reading and writing,  while my peers were more into other things. They were no less smart, some I say better, and have certainly excelled better by my measures of success, but that there was never anyone to drive or push me beyond my comfort zone. Internally I was lazy, or just beginning my anxiety and depression. I remember I was so overwhelmed when I first left home, in my first college English class, because I knew how to read and analyze and use grammar and formatting instinctively, but putting it into revision,  or hashing out specifics and repeated practice was not something I'd ever done. With my peers or in my teachers there was no push to learn better or correct me if I was already in the top. Peers looked at my work to improve or teachers were happy to have an excelling student who was engaged and produced engaging content. I'd half-arsed my final essay in high-school and got a super high grade and was baffled, if slighly pleased. I had coasted. It was all too easy? I think it stunted me. 

So this an explanation for being slightly nuts with re-editing my journal lately. I've got to deal with this.

I love lots of things about PGSM and surprisingly Usagi/Mamoru is one of the biggest. I've watched the anime dubbed and subbed and the Usako/Mamo relationship didn't do it for me. The reason is that relationship was rarely about either of them as their present selves. It always felt mired in past or future ideas that implied who they were now was not as important, and when we are following and falling in love with Usagi as she is now that's an odd disconnect. PGSM changes that and the relationship comes alive.

Ridiculously simple changes which I will now list.

1) Mamoru actually knows he's Tuxedo Karmen. There's no waiting til ep. 26 of 46, the latter half where he's brainwashed and doesn't know himself again, for his character to discover his own influence and motives. He doesn't start out only as Sailor Moon's hero to worship and focus on, but as a developing character. Being conscious of battling Sailor V, helping Sailor Moon, and stealing jewels in an effort to solve really effed up dreams means PGSM Mamoru has something to do. He gets to react to his own alter ego, not just become him. We, the audience, then get more info to determine his compatibility with Usagi.

2) Mamoru discovers Usagi is Sailormoon by Act 7. Act 7 out of a 49 Act series and over 11 Acts before the Princess/Endymion reveal. This allows their relationship so much more development because Mamoru gets to admire both Usagi and Sailor Moon and contrast and compare them as two halves of the same person. We gain insight into his growing affection for her and how he sees her, which leads to a greater understanding of their choice to be a couple. We can only infer what Mamoru thinks of Usagi and Sailor Moon in the anime, and indeed can't really know because he doesn't know either of them, or himself, or the struggles of that duality Usagi faces. Which makes their being in love a mystery or just a relation to their past selves.

3) There is no obligation required in saving Sailor Moon or showing up in Usagi's life. It happens organically through plot. Thank Motoki's friendship. Thank the downplaying of the I know when Sailor Moon is in trouble ping and instead having reasons for Mamoru being around in both fight scenes and daily life things. Thank the development of Mamoru actually wanting to hang around Usagi, and her then doing the same. Thank Usagi's early crush on Tuxedo Karmen. It all means they choose to interact with each other and that we cannot argue that purely external forces are behind their connection.

4) Hina. OH NOES HE HAS A GF! Hina, not Rei. Thank goodness not Rei, cause I didn't want to be crying for her like I did when she found out Mamoru was Tuxedo Karmen in the anime. Right in the Princess reveal episode their dating was shoved aside, implying anything in Mamoru's life, or Usagi's even, that didnt align with a Princess Serenity/Endymion destiny did not matter. Instead in PGSM we get Hina; the relationship of niceness but the one of obligation based on past affection and promises. The one that makes Usagi jealous and sad and shows the longing of Usagi and Mamoru for each other. The one that highlights Usagi's growth in herself, as we see her explore her feelings on love and jealousy and how she battles them as Usagi and Sailor Moon and her choices.

5) The Princess is a persona that is questioned and separate. This allows the past lives to be questioned and explored. Thinking Sailor V is the Princess? Still not wanting to pick her. Finding out Usagi's the Princess? Still both not sure if doomed is a good relationship setting. Coming back to try the relationship in Endymion outfit or Usagi possessed by the ghost of Serenity? Notice how they never address each other by past names in their right mental states EVER. Their past lives influence their relationship sure, but it is not the basis. They have a destiny and a past love but they are active as the people they are now in building and maintaining their current one. In making it a healthy non-doomed romance, in choosing to continue it, in wanting one another above obstacles or past influences. We don't see this reflective outlook on their identities as Serenity and Endymion in the anime.
 
6) I shall throw in the bonus of Mamoru not going evil until the last episode. He's goes to work for Beryl willingly because DRAMA but it means that once again the relationship of Usagi/Mamoru can continue to develop because they are both still active participants, even when they conflict.

It's simple. The relationship they have is something forged in the present. They have happiness, angst, conflict and triumph all built into their current actions and character's arcs. It's truly about Usagi and Mamoru as they develop into a couple. It's what they define and what they use to rally against unknowns and past lives. Hell, when it all falls down and he goes evil and she destroys the world she brings him back and he does her and that is how they win out; By being Usagi and Mamoru and being there for each other. A tragic past love or a destined love is cool. A love in front of me, that I see explored and created, is EPIC. I ship them, yes I do.

I'm not super positive. This was an emotional reaction from me.

This gives me a desperate craving for fix-it fanfic. How am I supposed to want Netflix to save you show, when this is what you define your end as? Every other season gave us a better and more caring finale to the characters and the plots they were pushing and one had people jumping off cliffs and spaceships y'all. 
 

formerly pigtailedgirl on livejournal. takes 10 years to move, sounds about right.