pigtailed_goddess (
pigtailed_goddess) wrote2019-01-25 07:10 pm
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Random Nerves
My confidence and self-esteem is shot. I question everything I think and write as good enough. I want it all to be right. Perfect.
I'm scared of conflict or criticism because RL has been shitty lately. Friend break-ups and feeling ignored and not moving forward towards any life goals. I want to leave my hometown but am lonely and have no outer support network somewhere else. I'm terrified and depressed about having to do it alone. To be alone and unhappy anywhere.
With my writing, I realize I haven't even been in school in ages. I think my writing is above average for my hometown too. It seem that way when you see community works. It's not a developed skill here. I realized I was blessed with a small town, safe, school education, where you got focus and interest and care from lots of places because tiny town. I was kinda a bigger fish in a small pond because I loved everything education, with my mom being a teacher, and reading and writing, while my peers were more into other things. They were no less smart, some I say better, and have certainly excelled better by my measures of success, but that there was never anyone to drive or push me beyond my comfort zone. Internally I was lazy, or just beginning my anxiety and depression. I remember I was so overwhelmed when I first left home, in my first college English class, because I knew how to read and analyze and use grammar and formatting instinctively, but putting it into revision, or hashing out specifics and repeated practice was not something I'd ever done. With my peers or in my teachers there was no push to learn better or correct me if I was already in the top. Peers looked at my work to improve or teachers were happy to have an excelling student who was engaged and produced engaging content. I'd half-arsed my final essay in high-school and got a super high grade and was baffled, if slighly pleased. I had coasted. It was all too easy? I think it stunted me.
So this an explanation for being slightly nuts with re-editing my journal lately. I've got to deal with this.
I'm scared of conflict or criticism because RL has been shitty lately. Friend break-ups and feeling ignored and not moving forward towards any life goals. I want to leave my hometown but am lonely and have no outer support network somewhere else. I'm terrified and depressed about having to do it alone. To be alone and unhappy anywhere.
With my writing, I realize I haven't even been in school in ages. I think my writing is above average for my hometown too. It seem that way when you see community works. It's not a developed skill here. I realized I was blessed with a small town, safe, school education, where you got focus and interest and care from lots of places because tiny town. I was kinda a bigger fish in a small pond because I loved everything education, with my mom being a teacher, and reading and writing, while my peers were more into other things. They were no less smart, some I say better, and have certainly excelled better by my measures of success, but that there was never anyone to drive or push me beyond my comfort zone. Internally I was lazy, or just beginning my anxiety and depression. I remember I was so overwhelmed when I first left home, in my first college English class, because I knew how to read and analyze and use grammar and formatting instinctively, but putting it into revision, or hashing out specifics and repeated practice was not something I'd ever done. With my peers or in my teachers there was no push to learn better or correct me if I was already in the top. Peers looked at my work to improve or teachers were happy to have an excelling student who was engaged and produced engaging content. I'd half-arsed my final essay in high-school and got a super high grade and was baffled, if slighly pleased. I had coasted. It was all too easy? I think it stunted me.
So this an explanation for being slightly nuts with re-editing my journal lately. I've got to deal with this.